The Preacher that Failed

We were invited to preach on the streets with a very accomplished street preacher. I was excited. I felt that the Lord had given me a good little sermon and it would be the first time for me to get back out on the street since my son had gone home to Jesus. I had even prepared a small prop. We gathered in the square and I boldly volunteered to go first. BreAnna was my translator. Somewhere near the beginning of my sermon, everything went wrong. I had a hard time expressing a truth that I thought the Holy Spirit had given me. Then for some unexplainable reason, BreAnna started laughing while she was translating. I felt she was laughing at me. I was embarrassed and it was hard to recoup – for both of us. Someone was filming me and when I saw the video, I was holding my prop (which was a picture) upside down and I only had one earring on! I looked like a crazy person.

No one stopped to listen to me during my sermon and afterwards there was silence. I hung my head in shame and embarrassment. I felt like a complete failure and even more so after BreAnna and our friend preached......two very well-spoken people. They were brilliant and my friend couldn't stop complimenting Bre on her sermon. I felt as though I were sinking down into the mud. I tried to self-talk myself out of it. “Why are you focusing on yourself? You should be happy that the gospel was preached so amazingly by your daughter.” But no matter what I tried to tell myself and no matter how much I tried to pray, I couldn't seem to pull myself out of my funk.

I wondered if I had missed my calling and who was I to think that I could be a street-preacher? I cried that night in bed out of mortification and deep insecurity. I thought I might feel better the next day but I couldn't worship and couldn't hear anything from Jesus. The only thing I could hear was, “Call Charlotte” (not her real name). I called her and she immediately invited me to her house to spend the night. What a friend! We talked and watched a movie together and then I went to bed and cried some more.

The next morning my Father spoke to me. I was reading Acts 18 which says, “Meanwhile, a Jew named Apollos, an eloquent speaker who knew the scriptures well had arrived in Ephesus. He taught with an enthusiastic spirit and with accuracy. He refuted the Jews with powerful arguments in public debate. (Vs. 24-28).

When I read that I started feeling sorry for Paul. Here Apollos gets so much praise and Paul gets stoned and thrown out of cities. Then I remembered that Paul was not known as a good speaker.

“For some say, 'Paul's letters are demanding and forceful but in person he is weak and his speeches are worthless!” II Corinthians 10:19 That's what they were saying about the Apostle Paul! Wonderful, gifted Paul could not speak well.....just like me. I sat in bed with my coffee by my side, shaking my head, “Only you Lord could bring scripture to me that fits my feelings so accurately.”

In that same section of scripture Paul went on to say, “If you want to boast, then boast about the Lord. When people commend themselves it doesn't count for much. The important thing is for the LORD TO COMMEND THEM.” (Vs. 17-18).

The Lord spoke into my spirit, “Kim, I commend you. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about you because I love you.”

Paul also said, “I may be unskilled as a speaker but I'm not lacking in knowledge.” II Corinthians 11:6. Paul was able to admit his weaknesses but he also knew what he knew: that Jesus Christ is Lord and he saved his soul. It's all about Jesus, not us.

Then Jesus spoke to me from II Corinthians 12:8, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” And again from Paul, “That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (vs. 10).

One of Paul's weaknesses was made PUBLIC – 'He can't speak well”.

Down through time Paul is now one of the most revered Apostles. He is exemplified, quoted and preached about. I find that so amazing against the back-drop that he was known as demanding, forceful and weak. Once again, I saw that I cannot measure my worth by the world's eyes but only by what my Father thinks of me. The Holy Spirit eased the sadness off my shoulders. I could relate to Paul and I saw with clarity that we can't all be good speakers or singers or writers or whatever but we can all know Jesus Christ and Him crucified.

Jesus also revealed that satan was attacking me. He was attacking my dreams and visions that are deep in my bosom to preach the gospel to the nations.

At that time period I was having the most wonderful times of morning worship and satan was angry about that as well. So, he brought a full onslaught attack of my person, gifts and callings. Oh how I thank the Lord for HIS VOICE that brought me out of my sadness and insecurity. What a Father we serve!

The next time I got up to preach, it was hard but I knew that deep down, my bosom was screaming, “If no one will tell them, how will they know?” So I preached from my heart and decided that it did not matter if I was eloquent or not. I knew I was sincere, that my motives were pure and I felt Jesus applauding from His throne.